First Time

The first time I knew there was something beautiful and organic between us I hit a car. Well actually, I hit the car before. I was a seventeen year old library slave. After shelving away books for minimum wage all night I got into my bland, red, Chevy Malibu ready to drive downtown to go to a party at a friend's house. I was excited. Not because I was seeing Ally (the girl who was throwing the shindig) but because my other nerd friends were going to be there. People who had finally made me feel that I belonged anywhere in the hell called high school. I called Ally to see who was there and what route I should take. I was backing up my car, chattering stupidly when a loud metallic crunch rang in my ears. "SHIT!" I screamed and quickly hung up the phone. My heart was beating fast and easy tears already sprang into my eyes.

Oh my G-d oh my G-d oh my G-d. I got out and surveyed the damage I caused. My bland red car had made a bland red dent in the door of a white car. Terrified I looked around the parking lot. No one. The cameras weren't pointing at me I think. What should I do? I know what the right thing to do is. Leave a note with car that has my name and number so I can pay for the damage.

BUT. How could I admit this? My mother would kill me. My brother had totaled two cars at this point and had knocked him and my mother off of our car insurance. My mother had threatened the car insurance (she's a perfect driver) but I had been warned that I couldn't make a mistake or we would suffer my brother's fate. Fighting between my morals and my fear I got back into my car and drove away. In my haste I drove through a red light creating an accidental crime spree that my guilt ridden heart couldn't handle.

What the fuck am I doing? I'm a bad person. Oh my G-d. This is awful. The cameras saw me. I won't get away with this. I"m so so so dumb.

I freak out all the way down the expressway. All the way down State St. I park and sit in my car.

I should call someone to walk me to Ally's house.

I don't want to see anyone.

I shouldn't walk by myself though. It's not a nice neighborhood.

"Hey Ally. I'm here. Someone should come get me. I'm on State by 9th.... Well who's there? Send Chris."

I don't know why, but once she said his name I didn't want anyone else to come. I waited in my car for him to come. I saw him turn the corner and I got out. We exchanged pleasantries and started walking towards Ally's house.

"What's wrong?" His big brown eyes were staring into my soul. Letting me know that no matter what everything would be fine. Guilty words fall out of my mouth. Hot tears stain my face and I tell him everything. How awful I am, how stupid I am. He just pulls me close to his chest. He holds me while I shake and cry and tells me everything is going to be OK. In his arms I know it's true. I know I'm not a terrible person. Maybe a little stupid.

My heart beats slower and everything in the world is right. We pull away and I look at him. I trust him with all my heart. I don't know why. I just did. I knew then that there was something here. I didn't know as what yet but this boy (at the time) was supposed to be in my life. We walked back Ally's house and in my heart I knew he just became one of my best friends.

Seven years later I still don't want anyone else to come. I only want him. Forever.