The Things I Miss

The Things I Miss

Chapter 2:

His smell.

Smell is one of the senses that triggers your memories and feelings. It's instinctual. It brings you back to a moment in time. I once freaked out when I smelled a the burnt oil and twisted metal and plastic of a car crash. My brain sent me back to a squirming me realizing I couldn't move my legs in a the smashed remains of my Chevy Malibu. My tears ran hot, my heart pounded and I was terrified all over again.

Smell is a powerful thing.

His smell is the most powerful thing. A combination of his deodorant, clothes detergent and sweet skin it brings me back to life. Every time I'm in his arms with my face buried in his chest my heart is at peace. He left his shirt at my apartment once and I didn't mail it back. Smelling it brought me to his arms. Made me happy. Flooded me with absolute love. Love.

His smell equals love. I've never had anything that makes me more happy or at peace.

I can't wait until I'm wrapped up in that love again. I can't wait until every time I wake up that smell is next to me bringing me back to earth knowing that no matter what happens today, it will be alright. He is there.

Taming of the Bull: A Poem

Blinding rage
Seeing red
dizzy thoughts and confused logic
punching walls, ignoring calls
throwing phones and books
not a body to touch or speak or hold
no placement for my foot to hold
blinding rage
seeing red
blood and bullets
wish for dead
out of my body looking in
trying hard to find a friend
going crazy
not going, gone
lost to reason's calming song
suddenly a face, a voice
so familiar
red is fading
becoming clearer
no longer blind
and so I see
the one who's calling out to me
calms me down
makes me sane
So I can try
to live again

First Time

The first time I knew there was something beautiful and organic between us I hit a car. Well actually, I hit the car before. I was a seventeen year old library slave. After shelving away books for minimum wage all night I got into my bland, red, Chevy Malibu ready to drive downtown to go to a party at a friend's house. I was excited. Not because I was seeing Ally (the girl who was throwing the shindig) but because my other nerd friends were going to be there. People who had finally made me feel that I belonged anywhere in the hell called high school. I called Ally to see who was there and what route I should take. I was backing up my car, chattering stupidly when a loud metallic crunch rang in my ears. "SHIT!" I screamed and quickly hung up the phone. My heart was beating fast and easy tears already sprang into my eyes.

Oh my G-d oh my G-d oh my G-d. I got out and surveyed the damage I caused. My bland red car had made a bland red dent in the door of a white car. Terrified I looked around the parking lot. No one. The cameras weren't pointing at me I think. What should I do? I know what the right thing to do is. Leave a note with car that has my name and number so I can pay for the damage.

BUT. How could I admit this? My mother would kill me. My brother had totaled two cars at this point and had knocked him and my mother off of our car insurance. My mother had threatened the car insurance (she's a perfect driver) but I had been warned that I couldn't make a mistake or we would suffer my brother's fate. Fighting between my morals and my fear I got back into my car and drove away. In my haste I drove through a red light creating an accidental crime spree that my guilt ridden heart couldn't handle.

What the fuck am I doing? I'm a bad person. Oh my G-d. This is awful. The cameras saw me. I won't get away with this. I"m so so so dumb.

I freak out all the way down the expressway. All the way down State St. I park and sit in my car.

I should call someone to walk me to Ally's house.

I don't want to see anyone.

I shouldn't walk by myself though. It's not a nice neighborhood.

"Hey Ally. I'm here. Someone should come get me. I'm on State by 9th.... Well who's there? Send Chris."

I don't know why, but once she said his name I didn't want anyone else to come. I waited in my car for him to come. I saw him turn the corner and I got out. We exchanged pleasantries and started walking towards Ally's house.

"What's wrong?" His big brown eyes were staring into my soul. Letting me know that no matter what everything would be fine. Guilty words fall out of my mouth. Hot tears stain my face and I tell him everything. How awful I am, how stupid I am. He just pulls me close to his chest. He holds me while I shake and cry and tells me everything is going to be OK. In his arms I know it's true. I know I'm not a terrible person. Maybe a little stupid.

My heart beats slower and everything in the world is right. We pull away and I look at him. I trust him with all my heart. I don't know why. I just did. I knew then that there was something here. I didn't know as what yet but this boy (at the time) was supposed to be in my life. We walked back Ally's house and in my heart I knew he just became one of my best friends.

Seven years later I still don't want anyone else to come. I only want him. Forever.

How does she do that?

She's never given me a reason to distrust her ever. I'm amazed by that. I'm in awe of it. How someone can be so honest, and pure, and true to their love is something you don't see alot, or ever. What's amazing is she makes it look like it's no thing, as if everyone just walks around being committed and honest all the time. As if it's no big deal that her love literally knows no bounds, I think they call that G-d's love. I didn't think it was possible for someone to love like that...let alone love me like that. I didn't think it was possible to trust everyword that comes out of a persons mouth, I didn't think it was possible to find all of that, and then send it back to them one hundred fold, not because I HAVE to, but because I NEED to. I didn't think any of this was possible.

I love it when I'm wrong.

Wake Up.

I hate waking up usually. The whole process irritates me, sleep is so hard to come by. Between work and the things I'd really like to be doing, things that don't allow for such silly things as free-time or rest. I usually spend my nights chasing it like I was running after a rainbow, forever in my sights but never within reach. It's maddening.
So on those lucky occasions that I do find a pot of gold and drift off to sleep, waking up in the morning, no matter how many hours I've slept, always feels like a swift kick in the nuts. My eyes aching from the bright sunlight, my back sore from the mattress. Good dreams disappear too quick and bad dreams linger too long. Waking up always sucks. Like finding a unicorn that lets you ride it, but when you get off it stabs you.
I've spent years waking up disappointed that I'm not still sleeping. Every roommate I've ever had tells me I'm scary in the morning. I'd even started to wear it like a badge of honor.

And then one night, the best night of my life. I found sleep easier than I ever have before. A soft rocking at the foot of the bed as a pair of tiny feet rubbed themselves together, brought me gently to sleeps door. A warmth on my neck I'd never felt before, that instead of making me hot, calmed my uneasy nerves.
And in the morning, when I opened my eyes after a peaceful dreamless sleep, instead of bright sunlight burning my iris, I saw the softest brown eyes I've ever seen, deep and kind. And suddenly for the first time I'm not upset that I'm awake. I'm not upset at all.
I'm Blessed.

The Things I Miss

The things I miss.

Chapter 1

His laugh. He doesn't laugh at everything. He lets bad jokes fly without a whisper of a smirk. Oh he might smile at you genially trying to make you feel good, but you know it's only for your benefit. I love it because it represents him as a person. Straight up, no lies, no bullshit. A good man who will tell you what he honestly thinks to make you a better person. You know you're funny if you get him going. Get him to smile widely, convulse his body, crinkle his eyes. It's joyful. It's honest. It's him.