The bottle

it washed up early in the morning while she was bathing and caught her totally by surprise when she came out wrapped in nothing but a towel and saw the bottle sitting on her couch. she didnt know how it got there but couldnt help inspecting the note trapped inside. she broke,the bottle and read the message. knowing instantly who it was from and how important it was. it read simply "would you like me to come home?"

For My Baby

Scared.

For the past couple of weeks I've been adrift in my nagging thoughts. Adulthood pounding into my skull trying to drive me absolutely insane asking for answers to questions I can't even fathom (what do I want to do with myself? who do I want to be? what is going to make me happy for the rest of my life?) I've questioned all of my decisions from the time I even began dreaming of a career. How could I have done everything right and be stuck here in nowhere land? I hate my job. I feel like a failure. How did I get to this point of 24 and not know what I want to do with the rest of my life? I can say that I'm terrified. Terrified of really failing and hating where I'll end up.

But I'm not scared of one thing. Not scared of being with you. Not scared of taking a chance when I know that you are in the equation. Yes it's scary to move away. Yes it's scary to live somewhere new and not know what's going to happen. But none of that matters because I'm going to be with you and all that scariness is worth it. You're the love of my life. I know that whatever I choose you'll be there to support me. I know that I won't fail because you won't let me give up. Just knowing you're in my life makes me believe in myself. I love you.

All I Need

If only i could wrap my arms around your lovelyness. if i could embrace the sweet tranquility of your warm dreaming. keep it tucked close inside for safe keeping while im gone from you and your perfect. replete with
lovelyness, kindness, strength and virtue
then i would

Dreaming

I wake up to my phone alarm cha cha cha-ing in my ear and grumble. Ugh. I hate morning. Before I can reset my alarm to make me ten minutes late to work, my better judgment sits me up. Chris is still sleeping. I now have to acrobat-edly crawl over him without inadvertently waking him up. This wakes me up better than coffee, forcing the agility my body 'pretends not to have' into full force as I awkwardly dance over him. Why we never switch spots so this morning routine isn't necessary is beyond me but I manage to make it off the bed without seemingly arousing him or breaking myself. Awesome. I pick out whatever blah clothes I must wear today and head to the shower.
I'm lathering up when I hear the bathroom door open.
"Baby?" I ask peeking out behind the shower curtain. Without my glasses he's just a Chris shaped blob scratching himself.
"Hey. Can you pop back in there I have to pee." I slink behind the curtain and continue my bathing with the new soundtrack. "Sorry I really tried not to wake you up."
"It's OK. It was more the pee than you."

I'm wearing my towel around my head when I find him in the kitchen. He looks at me and starts laughing.
"Every time. You think you'd be used to this."
"You'd think you'd find a different way to dry your hair." He's making greatly appreciated coffee.
"Punk." I turn to the fridge looking for something to eat for breakfast. Suddenly I feel him behind me.
"What do you think you're doing?"
"You know what I'm doing. The towel works for you, baby." His hands are everywhere on me. We choose the kitchen table this time.

I end up being ten minutes late and hungry.

I power through the day which isn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I would have settled for any job but this one is at least related to what I want to do. I keep looking for a better one though at Chris' insistence. It seems unlikely that I'll find a good one soon but the hope is still there. Either way it makes the work easier knowing I'm not settling.

When I get home he's writing. I hug him in his chair and he kisses me quickly before returning to his work. His desk is covered in piles of papers. Stories, scripts and probably the start of a couple books are neatly piled. I knew that most of those would pass through my fingers as I typed them into my computer. His short stories were getting published and Casey was coming back tomorrow to finish two of the scripts. The clack of his grandfather's typewriter echoed through the room.
"How was work" I ask him.
"Fine. You know, making the money to..." he gestures to his piles. "How was yours?"
"Alright. Applied to two different jobs."
"Good." Clack clack clack.
"You hungry baby?"
"Yeah." Clack clack.

We eat dinner curled up on the couch watching our Netflix. After dinner I find my hands can't stop touching him. It's the couch this time. Afterwards I stay up as long as I can before I have to fall into bed. His night owl self is ready for more writing while I get ready for bed. It's only about an hour later when I feel his weight next to me in bed. His arms pull me closer and I fall back into happy slumber.

I wake up. I look around me and find no one there. I rub my eyes. Where did he go? It slowly comes to me that he's still in Los Angeles and I'm still in Chicago. Boo. It was a dream. Feeling slightly depressed I get up and start getting my clothes together. I pick up my phone to check the time and find a text.
I love you.
Sigh. I love you too.
I know that my dream is coming true slowly but surely. I smile to myself. Well we got the love part down. Now it's the living in the same place we got to work on.

I Will Eat You... With Love

We're So Funny.

You and I

Love.

How Many Pictures Can I Possibly Have

Come to me my love.


He's happy to be with me.

Middle-ish (yeah we cute)

Middle-ish

We are always laughing.

Chris & Suzie: The Early Years

The first dance.

And we didn't stop there.

I say/ He says

I say I hate what I'm doing.

He says, "look inside you. You'll find what you want to do."

I say I'm frustrated.

He says, "take a breath. Everything will be OK."

I say I need you.

He says, "I'm here baby."

I say I can't do this.

He says, "don't give up. You can do anything."

I say I feel like a jerk.

He says, "You're the best person in the world."

I say I love you so much.

He says, "I love you too."

I say you're the love of my life.

He says, "I know."

There's More Where That Came From

This is maybe the sweetest picture of us.

2010

2009

Not much has changed. Which is amazing.

2004

A Haiku

My lips wait for yours

wait for the day when they're on

you. Kissing. Loving.

If I Could Only Just

Hold you,
 kiss you,
see you,
make you laugh,
make you mad and make you forget it with a kiss,
cook with you,
sleep with you,
wake up with you,
walk with you,
talk with you,
dream with you,
drink with you,
love you
right now.

When Your Not Round (An Odd Love Song)

There are homeless sleeping in the trenches
watching discount VHS'
I see dogs that walk their masters
alarms that don't siren disasters
Parents have their kids in cages
I know that this must sound outrageous
But bears are shitting in the sewers
Worms ate all my fishing lures
I know how crazy this all sounds
Thats what it's like when your not round
My TV's only playing static
hospitals creating addicts
My name has changed, I tell you that?
Buddhists planning sneak attacks
Ants are thinking for themselves
There are hundreds in the wishing well
I know how crazy this all sounds
Thats what it's like when your not round
Clouds are heavy filled with bricks
The rich folks moved out to the sticks
Papers made of human skin
Oh no, here we go again
I know how crazy this all sounds
Thinking of going underground
I wish that I was homeward bound
Cuz thats what Its like when your not round

Things I Want To Do With My Boyfriend Right Now

1) Jump on him. Like run to him and leap into his arms and wrap my legs around his torso. He'd have to hold me up but he'd love it at the same time.

2) Kiss him. All over. All over his face and his lips. (I love his lips and his neck)

3) Sit/lay down and cuddle. I could do that all day. I want to breathe in his smell and hug the crap out of him. I want my head on his chest and his heart beating in my ears.

4) Sexy time. I want it. I want him. Anywhere. Everywhere.

5) Sleep next to him. I feel like I sleep better with him there. It's probably not true because we go to bed late and I snore but I love sleeping next to him. I'm all wrapped up in Chris and it's wonderful.

6) Make dinner/breakfast with him. I love playing house with him. I want to grocery shop, chop, sauté and eat with my baby. It's so romantic. Even brewing coffee is fun.

7) Go to a club with and dance with him. I just want to go crazy on my baby while we both look really hot and then go make sweet sweet love.

8) See movies. I want to lay my head on his shoulder and intertwine our fingers and share popcorn and candy.

9) Go on a fancy date. We get dressed up all fancy and eat fancy food and drink fancy wine and be all fancy.

10) Go to a hotel. You know why.

Random thoughts on a random shirt

I found his green shirt today while I was doing laundry.

For those glorious three weeks we spent almost every day together. We knew that every minute apart was wasted and that if we weren't in the same room we'd miss each other. The clothes collected on my bedroom floor as we laughed and basked in each other's love and the green shirt disappeared. I picked it up and breathed it in. I know I should wash it and send it to him but part of me just wants to keep it dirty. Keep it Chris-ified. I just want it to wrap around me and make him present. Make it like he's right here next to me curled up sleeping. I would edge closer to him and wrap my arms around him. Bury my face in his back or his chest. He's only been gone for four days but I want him back. Nothing really feels right when he's gone. When I lay down to sleep and know he's not following me to bed my heart hurts.

I'm still standing and holding the shirt. I'm torn between keeping it to love it and wanting him to have it. I put it in my laundry bag knowing that in the end he should have it. Besides. I still have the sweater I stole...